Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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