Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
