you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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