Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
