I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's official drugs can't kill me
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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