Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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