you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
