All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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