she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
