Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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