he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
