Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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