dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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