i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
