Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
honey bunches of taint.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
