I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
