I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
