I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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