At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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