but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
