i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
