Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
