like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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