We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
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Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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