So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
