Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
