he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If I die, sorry about rent.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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