i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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