Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Let's get the cat blown out
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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