i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
