I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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