my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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