Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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