Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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