then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
