apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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