I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
