Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
