Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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