hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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