Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
