every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
