and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He did a backflip because drugs
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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