Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
