I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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