I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize