I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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