i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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