Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
