Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
