when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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