i permit you to call me
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
