Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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